The Abyss

Pours black as a starless night. Motor oil thick. A velvet espresso head heavy enough to hold secrets dark and hidden. Oak and coffee. Old raisins, dry and sweet. Not for the timid, The Abyss demands a worthy adversary. Drink it slowly. Linger in its depths.

The Abyss - Deschutes Brewery, Bend, Oregon

Just figured I’d start off with a Cormac McCarthyesque review of Deschutes Brewery’s newest Reserve Release - The Abyss. Unfortunately I doubt if I will be considered for the Pulitzer Prize for Beer Reviews.

In the first sip I can really taste the oak. Really. Like sucking on an acorn or making out with a squirrel. Coffee and raisins as well. Hippy baristas. A huge, delicious stout.

I’m a big fan of oatmeal stouts. The silky mouth feel that the oatmeal imparts acts as the perfect balance to the big malty flavors associated with most of the strong stouts. Without the oatmeal, I find many of these brews to be less palatable. But not this one. The Abyss is silky and sweet and malty and thick and delicious. The first sip starts with coffee and ends with a woodsy, oaky finish. This really is a delicious beer. If you can find one, buy it and drink it.

Initial music pairing - The National – Boxer

Some albums ease you in. Some artists slowly bring you up to speed. Often the listener is permitted a couple of tracks to allow the head a chance to catch up to the ears. But on this album the first track, Fake Empire, demands some sort of immediate response. Discordance in both tempo and tone rule the day. It feels as if the band is shoving this album in your face, almost insisting that you make a snap judgment. Damn that’s a good song.

The sixth track, Slow Show, offers up a timely chorus for those of you born on our nation’s bicentennial. “You know I dreamed about you, for 29 years, before I saw you.” The first Deschutes Reserve brew was released in 2005. Coincidence? I think not. At least for those born in ‘76. Drink, listen and enjoy.

Brewpub review number two: New Old Lompoc

The quest continues. This time it took two visits. The first attempt failed miserably. Too much engrossing conversation and, as inconceivable as it sounds, too much beer. Who knew those taster trays were meant for more than one person? Get the skinny here.

Hair of the Dog

Geographically speaking, Hair of the Dog Brewing Company is my most accessible neighborhood brewery. Unfortunately, they don’t operate a brewpub from which I could conveniently stumble home. Instead I must journey to the local bottlemonger, pants loaded with nickels, and decide which Hair of the Dog brew I will drink at home. Alone. In the dark.

Hair of the Dog is a confusing little brewery. Most of their beers carry common names such as Adam or Ruth. I like that. It reinforces the “beer as your friend” mentality that dictates so much of my life. But they are somewhat difficult to find. And a bit on the expensive side. Expensive enough, in fact, that I will only be tasting one bottle for this review. This is a bit of a departure from my standard operating procedure. I generally drink at least two bottles of any given beer before I offer my relatively worthless opinion. I do this for two reasons. First, my dedication to the scientific method requires that I test more than one bottle in case one of them is somehow compromised. Second, two beers make me happier than one. Plus it helps me overcome the ubiquitous fear that someone who actually knows something about beer will call me out and embarrass me in front of my reader(s). Speaking of beer…

Blue Dot Double IPA – Hair of the Dog Brewing Company, Portland, Oregon

This is a double IPA with the addition of rye malt. I pop off the cap, pour half of the 22 ounces into a reasonably clean glass and it looks like a big pint of honey. I usually prefer a darker IPA, so I was a bit disappointed when I first poured this one. Most golden, hazy IPAs come across as a bit too fruity for me. The head dissipates quickly, but, in the head’s defense, it was probably scared off by the hops. The first sip has a smooth, almost creamy mouth feel. The finish offers a full, round hop character that is noticeably more mellow than most of your extra sweet, extra malty, extra hoppy double IPAs. All in all, a pretty decent bottle. I’m not sure I would really consider this a double IPA, as it seems to be a bit reserved for that classification. But a pleasant IPA nonetheless.

Initial music pairing – Ravi Shankar – The Sounds of India

I was initially put off by Ravi’s explanations of traditional raga music on this album. As an unabashedly proud last chair trombone player in high school, his comments on timing and chord structure are of little use to me. I just want a little Indian music before my curry gets cold. But the more I listened to this album the more I was able to ignore the commentary and enjoy the magical, exotic voice of the sitar. However, as much as I wanted Indian music to perfectly complement this India Pale Ale, it was not to be.

Revised music pairing – Band of Horses – Cease to Begin

If there is one thing upon which everyone in the world would agree, it is that beards are cool. Band of Horses has three members. Band of Horses also has three beards. Three members + three beards = 100% cool. Not to mention the fact that this album sports a song named after one of the finest German basketball players ever to pull hamstring. Listen to the fifth track – The General Specific – and just wait for your head to start bobbing. But only between sips. Prost.

Portland brewpub reviews

Nearly 40 breweries populate the Portland metro area. In a valiant effort to gain a deeper appreciation for Portland beer, and the brave men and women who brew it, I will
attempt to visit each of these breweries and sample their handiwork. I know, it sounds crazy. Maybe even a little dangerous. But I believe I owe it to you, Loyal Reader, to undertake this daunting endeavor. Those breweries that provide an associated brewpub need to save me a seat at the bar. Those breweries that do not offer pints to the public can expect to see me drinking their beer in the brewery parking lot. You can follow this quest by checking in at http://www.stumptowninfo.com/ on a quasi-weekly basis. This week it was Roots Brewing Company that tested my mettle. More to come. Godspeed.

The List

As most of you know, I live in the best beer town in the world. Portland has more breweries than any other city, and most of them make damn tasty beer. My family, on the other hand, lives in the Midwest. While Kansas City boasts the best barbecue in the world, (BB’s Lawnside BBQ is the finest purveyor of pork ribs in the Western Hemisphere) the good-beer revolution has not been as enthusiastically embraced there as it has here in the Pacific Northwest. So not too long ago I was asked to provide some beer guidance for a family outing. Apparently a new ale house in Kansas City is offering a beer list with some decent breadth. Below you will find the beer list in question along with my suggestions to my mother and the occasional note (in italics) about those suggestions. The list is long, but if you are reading this blog you obviously have nothing better to do. Enjoy.

Yardhouse beer menu

*SERVED IN GOBLETS

75TH STREET POSSUM TROT BROWN ALE – Don’t really know much about this brewery. I think I had a few pints of their stuff in the late 90’s and liked it okay. Brown ales are generally a bit more malty than I think you might like. I guess you like Moose Drool brown, though. Maybe you just like beers named after shy wilderness animals.
75TH STREET RASPBERRY WHEAT – Beer and fruit don’t mix.
AMSTEL LIGHT – The Dutch answer to Budweiser. Just because it is imported does not make it cool.
ANCHOR STEAM – This is the shit. Not only is this beer delicious, it is also quite historically significant. The visionary Anchor brewer Fritz Maytag (yes, that is his real name) played a major role in the development of the craft brewing movement. You owe it to yourself to try one of these amber beauties. The ‘steam’ term refers to the method of using lager yeasts but fermenting at ale temperatures.
ANHEUSER BUSCH SEASONAL – No matter how much makeup you put on a pig, it is still a pig.
BASS ALE – Nice in a black and tan. The brewery is located in a town called Burton upon Trent. That is a bit homoerotic.
BELHAVEN SCOTTISH ALE – Scotch Ales are generally pretty malty and somewhat sweet. Plus they say zed instead of zero.
BITBURGER PILS – See Amstel Light entry but change ‘Dutch’ to ‘German’.
BLUE MOON – This is a Belgian White ale. The same Belgian White ale that has been so racially insensitive and oppressive to the Belgian Black ale for generations. Bastards. This is a light colored beer with a yeasty flavor accented by notes of coriander and bigotry.
BODDINGTONS PUB ALE – Imagine Guiness’ albino brother. Seriously, do it. Same creamy, nitrogen-born silkiness but with a light, golden ale body. That sounds vaguely pornographic.
BOULDER HAZED & INFUSED – A very nice unfiltered, hoppy ale. Quite hoppy, actually.
BOULDER SINGLE TRACK COPPER ALE – Never had it, but Boulder makes pretty good beers so you probably can’t go wrong.
BOULEVARD BULLY! PORTER – A malty, full-bodied porter. Full-bodied like a 1991 Oprah Winfrey.
BOULEVARD LUNAR ALE – Must be one of their new beers. Looks like an amber wheat beer. Might be nice.
BOULEVARD PALE ALE – I once drank six 32 ounce schooners of this beer at Louise’s West in Lawrence. I walked halfway home and fell asleep in the park. I am not ashamed.
BOULEVARD WHEAT – A pretty good wheat beer, if that is your thing.
BRECKENRIDGE AVALANCHE AMBER – I don’t know much about this brewery, but they have some nice choices. Ambers are generally flavorful but not too hoppy.
BRECKENRIDGE OATMEAL STOUT – The finest oatmeal stout in the entire world is from Free State Brewery in Lawrence. Period. Probably a bit too dark for you anyway. I speak the truth, people. I have tried every oatmeal stout I can get my hands on and none of them stack up to Free State’s. For those of you that beg to differ, I would be happy to accept a UPS-delivered six pack of your favorite oatmeal stout. Email me for my address.
BRECKENRIDGE VANILLA PORTER – Actually sounds kind of interesting. Porters generally have a nice coffee flavor to them. This could be a solid hobo latte.
BRIDGEPORT IPA – Considered one of the finest IPA’s available. I have spent a number of evenings sucking back pints at this beer’s birthplace in Portland’s Pearl District. A decent IPA with plenty of hops, but a bit too much citrus for my taste. One thing it does very well is get you drunk.
BUD LIGHT – If I owned a bar that had a big beer list like this, I would put Bud Light on my menu just so I could throw out any schmuck that ordered one.
BUDWEISER – Thieving bastards stole the name from the original Czech beer.
BUDWEISER SELECT – Not unlike the AMC Gremlin Select.
COORS LIGHT – God help you if you drink this. Unless you are the designated driver. Then it is okay.
* DELIRIUM TREMENS – The ‘shakes’ in Latin. This is a Belgian Strong Ale with something like 10% alcohol. It is very nice and there is a pink elephant on the bottle. Mmmmmm…. alcoholism. You have to try it because the friendly asterisk says it comes in a goblet.
DOS EQUIS AMBER - Una cerveza mexicana decente popular entre mongers de los pescados y las prostitutes de Tijuana.
DOS EQUIS LAGER – See above, but through lighter tinted glasses.
FLYING DOG IN HEAT WHEAT – Great bottles featuring the art of Ralph Steadman. Beer, not so great. Its okay, just not anything spectacular.
FLYING DOG CLASSIC PALE ALE – See above.
FLYING DOG TIRE BITE GOLDEN ALE – See above above.
FLYING MONKEY AMBER ALE – Jesus, the manager must be getting a Flying Dog kickback.
FOSTER’S – Australian for beer.
FRANZISKANER HEFE-DUNKEL – A Munich brewery founded in 1363. Magnus the Second, the revered King of Sweden, died that year. This is a dark wheat beer. Kind of like eating an entire loaf of rye bread. Coincidentally, that is exactly what killed King Magnus.
FRANZISKANER HEFE-WEISSE – Bavarian Weisse beers are cloudy, yeasty calorie bombs. But somewhat tasty nonetheless.
FREE STATE AD ASTRA ALE – Good stuff, that Free State beer. This is my second favorite of their offerings. Copper in color with a nice balance between malty sweetness and hoppy bitterness.
FREE STATE WHEAT STATE GOLDEN – A pretty good American style wheat beer.
GEORGE KILLIAN’S IRISH RED – Owned by Coors, this red ale is about as Irish as O.J. Simpson in a kilt.
GOOSE ISLAND 312 WHEAT – I think this is brewed in Chicago, just down the street from Wrigley Field. I think I had a few beers there the last time I was in the windy city. I think I may have been riding on the luggage trolley that violently smashed a large, soil-filled planter in the lobby of the Evanston Best Western. I can be sure of none of this.
GOOSE ISLAND HONKER’S – Wildlife on the label = tasty beer inside.
* GOUDEN CAROLUS TRIPLE – A Belgian that I am not familiar with. A Belgian that I am familiar with is Edward de Smedt, the inventor of modern asphalt.
* GRIMBERGEN DOUBLE – This Belgian Dubbel may have been originally brewed at the Gimbergen Abbey by a quiet, dignified monk of the Praemonstratensian Order. Now its probably made by some schmuck named Arnaud.
GUINNESS STOUT – Making stupid Americans vomit on St. Patrick’s Day for generations.
HARP – The preferred lager of randy leprechauns all over the world.
HEINEKEN – If you must rely on cans shaped like little kegs to sell your beer, you should make different beer.
HOBGOBLIN ENGLISH ALE – A strong dark ale that sports some pretty cool artwork on the label. A good choice it you are looking for something that provides a nice malty flavor without too much hop bitterness.
HOEGAARDEN WHITE – Another Belgian white ale.
HOFBRÄU ORIGINAL – You may recall Dad (my father), Garrett (my brother) and I (yours truly) enjoying 15 liters of this tasty Bavarian Helles. Good stuff. That is not a typo. 15 liters. My liver is the strongest muscle in my body.
JW DUNDEE HONEY BROWN – Honey in beer makes me gag.
KIRIN ICHIBAN – Linda (my wife) really likes this Japanese lager. Personally I prefer Japanese loggers, as they wear stylish, lumberjackalicious kimonos of red and white plaid.
KONIG LUDWIG WEISS – Their website actually boasts of ‘stimulating fruity experiences’. That may be a bit more homoerotic than Harp’s Burton upon Trent.
KRONENBOURG 1664 – A French beer. Don’t hurt your surrendering hand when you open that bottle, Pierre.
LOST COAST ALLEYCAT AMBER – Lost Coast beer isn’t bad. Not great, but not bad.
LOST COAST DOWNTOWN BROWN – Fair and brown, like a Latino judge.
LOST COAST GREAT WHITE – Mediocre White just doesn’t have the same ring.
LABATT BLUE – I think Canadian law requires that you drink this beer out of a hockey helmet. You don’t want to piss off those Mounties. Seriously. Watch out for those Mounties.
* LINDEMAN’S FRAMBOISE – I love raspberries and I love beer. That being said, this is one of the worst beverages ever created. However, it is easily recreated at home. First fill a glass half full (or half empty if you are sad) with cheap, flat, flavorless beer. Add half of a bottle of raspberry cough syrup and six tablespoons of sugar and stir vigorously. If the ‘beer’ foams over it was not adequately flat to begin with. Drink slowly and smile enthusiastically to prevent the inevitable gag reflex.
LEINENKUGEL’S SUNSET WHEAT – From Wisconsin, I think. Another wheat beer that I am not familiar with. Must be some weird, repressed Kansas memories that cause my dislike for wheat beers.
* MAREDSOUS 8 – A nice monk-made Belgian Brown. It’s been quite some time since I sampled one of these babies, but I do believe it was quite nice. Then again it could be shit. I can’t remember. I actually had one of these a few days ago and it was pretty nice. Not too yeasty but still with all the strange little citrusy, grassy flavors that make up a nice Belgian.
MICHELOB AMBER BOCK – Nope.
MICHELOB ULTRA – Based on the advertising, I think one is required to complete an Iron Man Triathlon before being served one of these.
MILLER LITE – Another inaccurate advertising campaign – “Tastes Great! Less Filling” – that says nothing about the watery flavor and the inevitable freshman fifteen.
MONTY PYTHON’S HOLY GRAIL – British humor is great. This beer isn’t. Would you buy a bottle of Benny Hill’s Buxom Brown? I didn’t think so.
MOOSEHEAD – Even if you really like those wilderness animal beers, please pass on this one. It is brewed on the Bay of Pundy.
MORETTI ITALIAN PILSNER – This is why Italians make great wine.
MURPHY’S IRISH RED – I am not a big fan of this Irish red. I like their stout quite a bit, but this red is just a bit too bland for me.
MURPHY’S IRISH STOUT – Why are you even reading this? I just said I liked their stout. Pay attention!
NEW BELGIUM 1554 – Not a bad brewery, but for some reason I think their beers all taste about the same. How lame is that? Using only slight variations of the same beer to appear diverse.
NEW BELGIUM FAT TIRE – A fair brewery, but it seems to me that they all taste quite similar. That’s pretty week. Presenting slightly different versions of one beer as truly distinct brews.
NEW BELGIUM SEASONAL – An acceptable brewing establishment, but am I the only one who thinks their beers all taste strangely similar? That ain’t cool. Offering only minor modifications of the same beer in order to give the impression of variety.
NEW BELGIUM SUNSHINE WHEAT – Not a bad brewery, but for some reason I think they all taste about the same. How lame is that? Using only slight variations of the same beer to appear diverse. (Sorry, my thesaurus was overheating.)
NEWCASTLE – My friend from Liverpool calls Newcastle Brown Ale the ‘dirty dog’. I don’t care. This beer has a special place in my heart, right next to those fond memories of getting kicked out of the Red Lion Tavern. Brown and tasty and a nice complement to a plate of bangers and mash.
ODELL 5 BARREL PALE – Odell beers are not available out here in the PNW, so I can’t say much about them. This one sounds nice, though. Did well at the GABF last year so it is probably worth a try.
ODELL 90 SHILLING – Sounds like an amber take on the traditional Scottish ale.
ODELL CUTTHROAT PORTER – Likely Darkish.
ODELL EASY STREET WHEAT – Certainly Wheatish.
* OMMEGANG HENNEPIN – Very tasty is this American born Belgian ale. Of citrus and sunshine it tastes. Try it you will. Cool is Yoda.
PABST BLUE RIBBON – If you have to have a watery, flavorless American Lager, make it a Hamm’s. Retreat to PBR only if the Hamm’s has run dry. I know, I know. I live in Portland and therefore I should drink good beer all the time. But damn it, sometimes a Hamm’s or PBR is exactly what is called for. Like when you’re exercising or operating heavy machinery.
PAULANER HEFEWEIZEN – A nice Munich brewery. You know how I feel about Hefeweizen.
PAULANER OKTOBERFEST – Same stuff they serve in the Paulaner tent during the greatest beer festival in the world. Stinky Germans (my wife is going to beat my ass) and drunk Australians not included.
PILSNER URQUELL – The first golden pilsner straight from the source – Pilsen, Czech Republic. But like it’s cousin Budvar, it just doesn’t taste the same once it leaves Bohemia.
PYRAMID APRICOT ALE – Name one single drink that apricots can improve and I will give you ten dollars.
PYRAMID HEFEWEIZEN – Not to beat a dead horse, but…
RED HOOK BLONDE – A Seattle brewery that distributes its beer all over the county. Not bad stuff, but, as is the case with all blondes, this one is a bit shallow and inarticulate. This comment just pissed off nearly half of my entire family.
RED HOOK ESB – The flagship Red Hook brew that is not really extra special or bitter.
RED HOOK LONG HAMMER IPA – A fair IPA, but nothing too exciting. If any of you can get your hands on Pelican Pub's IPA, please do so. In my humble opinion Pelican makes the finest example of India Pale Ale available today.
ROGUE DEAD GUY ALE – Two words – Blueberry Pancakes.
ROGUE DRY HOPPED RED – Rogue is one of the country’s most innovative breweries and John Maier, Rogue’s brewmaster, is a genuinely nice guy. They produce a ridiculously varied range of beers and this is one of my favorites. This is essentially their St. Rogue Red – a malty copper ale – with a bit more hops kick.
ROGUE JUNIPER PALE ALE – 2005 World Beer Champion. And not under investigation for steroid use.
ROGUE SHAKESPEARE STOUT – One of the best Oregon stouts available. “Dost thou think because thou art virtuous there shall be no more cakes and ale?” Twelfth Night act 2, scene 3. The internet is not just for porn.
ROLLING ROCK – Rolling Rock used to be fermented in special glass-lined tanks. Unfortunately it is now fermented by Anheuser-Busch in special flavorless water-lined tanks. This was my preferred swill during my first freshman year at the University of Kansas. Thanks for the addiction, Old Latrobe.
SAM ADAMS BOSTON LAGER –Sam Adams is to the beer world as John McCain is to the presidential candidate world. He has been around forever and we all appreciate what he has done, but he just isn’t that good.
SAM ADAMS SEASONAL – I think Sam Adams releases a new seasonal every fortnight.
SHINER BOCK – Because this is a Texas beer, only unashamed, Bush-loving Republicans should order it. If anyone at your table is willing to make this choice, slip a sedative into their beer, fly them to a friendly Eastern European country and commence the Bud Light waterboarding. They voted for him and he legalized it so they have no one to blame but themselves.
SIERRA NEVADA PALE ALE – A very nice pale ale that is a bit hoppier than most. Took second place in the greatest beers article Janell (my aunt) sent me. My whole family does this. They send me things about beer. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it and I genuinely enjoy every beer related item they send my way. But I can’t help feeling like the slow kid in the class. I’m like the fifth grader reading at the second grade level. But instead of hearing “Maybe if we give him a book about something that he is genuinely interested in he will become a better reader” I hear “Maybe if we send him books about beer he will get a real job for Christ’s sake.” Everyone gets impatient. Even family.
SIERRA NEVADA SEASONAL – Call the waitress right now. Seriously, I’ll wait…..now ask her if this seasonal offering is Celebration Ale. If not, cry just a little bit and tell her she ruined your weekend. If so, order one and lose yourself in one of the most enjoyable holiday beers the world has ever seen. Read the next blog entry to find a little more about this beer. Actually, there isn’t much there about the beer itself. As I have said before, I am more of a beer drinker than a beer reviewer.
SIERRA NEVADA WHEAT – Not as cloudy and yeasty as the average hefeweizen, but still too wheaty.
SMITHWICK’S – The W is silent. Seriously.
SPATEN BOCK – Lass Dir raten, trinke Spaten.
SPATEN LAGER – A nice helles. Order one and be sure to tap the table with your glass after you prost.
* SPATEN OPTIMATOR - Doppelbocks were traditionally brewed by German monks to help them get through the daily fasting of Lent. Spaten’s Doppelbock is a dark, somewhat sweet brew with a hefty alcohol kick. Almost makes me want to find God.
STAROPRAMEN – A very tasty lager from Prague. Not as widely available as other Czech offerings such as Pilsner Urquell and Budvar, so you may want to take this opportunity to try it.
STELLA ARTOIS – A Belgian lager that has become a popular choice for those seeking the light American lager taste experience with the panache of a European label. Belgian Bud. I think this may have been the first time I have typed the word panache.
STRONGBOW CIDER – An excellent choice for the children at your table. Often served in a sippy cup.
WARSTEINER DUNKEL – The Reinheitsgebot is the German Beer Purity Law of 1516. This law limits the ingredients allowed in the brewing process to water, barley and hops. What this law does not limit is the dissemination of crappy beer. If you want a solid Dunkel with a nice, malty sweetness, try the Spaten.
WARSTEINER PILS – See above.
WIDMER HEFEWEIZEN – One of the first American hefs, this beer comes out of the Widmer Brother’s brewery here in Portland.
WOODCHUCK AMBER CIDER – This cider comes with a swirly straw and box of crayons. If your child can drink six of these in one hour and still solve the maze on her paper placemat she gets a free balloon!
YOUNG’S CHOCOLATE STOUT – Chocolate goodness but a bit too sweet to drink a pint at a time. Rogue’s Chocolate Stout is another excellent example.


So that’s it. A decent little beer list. I personally prefer a menu full of stylistically-varied, locally brewed beers, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Solidarity!

Here we are, two whole months into the Writers Guild of America strike and I have yet to receive a big-studio offer to turn this laugh-out-loud, character-driven blog into the next great American sitcom. An absolute travesty, I am sure you would agree.

As I am never one to make excuses, I must come clean as to why it has been so long since our last correspondence. I was on strike. The Mediocre League of Unread Bloggers, of which I am the founding member, is demanding health benefits and a solid 401k. As you probably guessed, no one cares.

So this evening I cross my own picket line in order to bring you, my loyal reader(s), another review. But rather than review my favorite beer – the deliciously hoppy and painfully limited in release Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale – I will enjoy a six-pack of this heavenly nectar and review my favorite album – Tom Waits’ Swordfishtrombones.

Tom Waits – Swordfishtrombones

1 – Underground – Brass and xylophone. If there is a better way to start an album I don’t know what it is.

2 – Shore Leave – Typical Tom Waits spoken-word imagery here. “…shot billiards with a midget until the rain stopped.” Brilliant.

3 – Dave The Butcher – Instrumental featuring The Man Himself on the Hammond B-3 and some other guy on bongos.

4 – Johnsburg, Illinois – Very short little off-key ballad. I find myself torn between a desire for this sad little glimpse of a song to stretch into a complete tale and an impatient urge to skip it all together so I can get on to…

5 – 16 Shells From A Thirty-Ought-Six – The first of the traditional blues-based songs that really make this album so damn good. He’s gonna whittle you into kindlin’.

6 – Town With No Cheer – After the strange little intro Tom tackles the saddest fate to befall any community. The closure of the local pub. I die a little every time I here this song.

7 – In The Neighborhood – A nice little upbeat number to raise your spirits after Town With No Cheer’s somber, sober message. I bet this neighborhood has a pub. The guy on trombone is named Slyde Hyde. That may be the finest trombonist name ever.

Time to flip over the record. I am not one of those hipster vinyl Nazis, but if at all possible, Mr. Waits should be enjoyed in all his raspy, analog glory. Townes Van Zandt as well.

8 – Just Another Sucker On The Vine – An instrumental with a trumpet and Tom on the Harmonium. I don’t know what that is. My guess is a type of organ, but I like to imagine the harmonium as a conjoined quadruplet barber shop quartet.

9 – Frank’s Wild Years – Possibly the only song ever written featuring a Chihuahua with a skin disease. His name was Carlos. If you like this song, you must give Nighthawks at the Diner a listen.

10 – Swordfishtrombone – The album’s namesake deserves at least one back-to-back listen. You will hear something new every time.

11 – Down, Down, Down – Bluesy, rockin’ little number. I can’t believe I just described something as a bluesy, rockin’ little number. I should be beaten vigorously with Dick Clark’s strangely lifelike reanimated corpse.

12 – Soldier’s Things – This a beautiful song that demonstrates Mr. Waits’ uncanny ability to tie seemingly unrelated images into a cohesive, vibrant narrative.

13 – Gin Soaked Boy – My favorite song on my favorite album. One of Tom Waits’ best. One day I will bump into a guy at a bar and cause him to spill his gin and tonic all over his tweed jacket. The gentleman will initially be quite angry but I will defuse the situation by referring to this song. We will share a genuine laugh and become life-long friends. That is my dream.

14 – Trouble’s Braids – Loud but whispered. What are wolf tickets? If anyone knows, please email me.

15 – Rainbirds – An instrumental reminiscent of his first album, Closing Time. A pleasant little piece, but, in my opinion, something else should have closed this album. There it is. My only real gripe with Swordfishtrombones. But that one little nitpick officially pushes this review from the realm of the brown-nosing homage into the respectable arena of the methodical, judicious critique. At least that is how I see it.

Celebration Ale and Swordfishtrombones. One temporary and one timeless. Pick up a sixer of the Celebration and buy, borrow or steal a copy of this album. Enjoy.